I just get down and I go for mine, say "Check one-two," and run down the line.

Shorter Michael Barone: History is written by the victors, but disloyal elites prefer to read it from the perspective of the Islamofascists.

Shorter Chuck Colson: Rheet! Hey everybody, look over there! Fascists!

Shorter Mary Katherine Ham: Reality show contestants more accurately reflect real-life Americans than their fictional counterparts.

Shorter Suzanne Fields: Nobel Prize-winner Gunter Grass is certainly a hypocrite for demanding that Germans atone for World War II while hiding his own Nazi past, but his worst crime was criticizing America.

Shorter Robert Novak: The Bush administration should reverse course and engage our terrorist enemies in diplomatic negotiations, now that our position has been weakened by disastrous wars.

Shorter Roger Schlesinger: Have you given any thought to your retirement investments?

Shorter Star Parker: A recent study by a conservative think tank suggests liberal activists are to blame for high retail prices.

Shorter Mike S. Adams: Y'know what would be really cool, is if everybody e-mailed this professor and called him this nickname I thought up for him. I'll even give you a link.

Shorter Joel Mowbray: Virtually all news stories from the war zones of the Middle East are influenced by terrorists either through thuggery or trickery.

Shorter Debra J. Saunders: As a journalist, I urge you to consider that reporters have the right to protect their confidential sources.

Shorter Robert Novak: My sources tell me the Democrats are plotting various election strategies.

Shorter George Will: China should let Japanese bygones be bygones.

Shorter Kathryn Jean Lopez: Rick Warren just might cure AIDS by promoting , if not a purpose-driven sex life, abstinence.

Shorter Bill O'Reilly: Surely the terrorists delight at the additional inconveniences we must endure at the airport to uncover their dark plots. Perhaps they'd change their tune if their Muslims were singled out for additonal scrutiny.

Shorter Paul Jacob: Think of the money we'd save if we privatinzed the federal government.

Shorter Kevin McCullough: Marvel as I thwart the Straw Liberal's attempt to plant a dagger firmly in your back.

Shorter Doug Wilson: Conservatism holds the keys to competing with the Chinese, who I'll remind you are just as human as you and me.